The last couple of weeks I have seen several different
articles on the topic of marriage circulating the internet. They were sweet and
idealistic views on how marriage should look. And though I am sure these articles
were well intended, there was something that didn't sit right with me. I've
been trying to hold my tongue (a trait that has never been one of my strong
suits). I really didn't want to sit down and write a post about marriage. After
all, having only been married for four months I don’t really have the credentials
to tell others what marriage should look like. But after seeing these articles
over and over I finally decided to say something. I want you to know that I
write this with caution, knowing full well that I am no expert on marriage. My
husband and I are exploring new territory every day. There is so much we don’t
know; so much to figure out. And at the end of our lifetime I am sure we will
have not perfected it. However, if we are wanting to know what marriage should
look like, shouldn't we be turning to the one who created it for the answers?
God has given us so much imagery on what it looks like to be good husbands and
wives. He has already told us what marriage should look like, so why are we still
searching? Why are we looking for a new formula to produce a happy and fulfilled
marriage? I think the problem stems from the fact that we are asking too much
from our spouses and ourselves, and too little from God.
ASKING TOO MUCH
The article that I have seen floating around the most is
titled:
“Marriage isn’t for You”. It is a super sweet post. And in a perfect
world we would all love perfectly. Unfortunately this is not a perfect world.
If it is MY job to make my husband happy, to make him feel fully loved and
cared for, then Jon has a long road of disappointment ahead of him. I am a
broken person who loves brokenly. I was not designed to play those roles in Jon’s
life. We need to stop asking husbands and wives to be god to their spouses. I
was not made to be Jon’s joy; I cannot satisfy his need for love; I do not have
the authority to give Jon his identity or self worth. And to ask all of this
out of marriage is setting it up for failure. I cannot meet all of my husband’s
needs, but I can point him to the one who can.
I want to love my husband well. I want to make him laugh and
calm his nerves. I want to be selfless; I want to be patient; I want to be
compassionate and gracious. But I do not want to be Jon’s ultimate source for
any of these things, because I will undoubtedly fail. And I cannot expect Jon
to be all of these things to me. God is the only one who can love us fully, who
can give us unending joy and peace. By asking someone else to do this we are
assuring ourselves hurt and disappointment.
ASKING TOO LITTLE
Instead of turning to each other to meet these needs I want
me and Jon to continually point each other to God. If we are going to God
together with our needs then we will be free to turn around and pour out the
blessings we have received from Him on each other. When I am being filled with
God’s love then I will have love to give. When I receive God’s joy I will have
joy to share. But to think that I have any of this to give on my own, apart from
God, is false. I have to go to the ultimate source to fill me so that I have something to pour out. If we are finding our fulfillment, our identity, our worth, in Christ then
we will not be left disappointed. It is important to understand that our role
in this life is to glorify God. Period. Our role is not to make our spouse
happy. If we are truly seeking to glorify God then we will love better. We will
be more compassionate. We will bring joy to others. We will be gracious. We
will put others before ourselves. But we must remember that none of these alone
are our ultimate goal or purpose, it is simply what happens when we love and
glorify God. When we understand our role versus God’s role then we will be able
to look at our marriages with the correct perspective. I am not the source I am
the tool.
While Jon and I were engaged we went through a book of
questions you should ask before getting married. One of the questions that was asked
was, “how can I know that you will make me happy for the rest of my life?” Jon and I talked about how conditional happiness is, and how there will undoubtedly
be seasons of unhappiness in our lives. We talked about how we couldn't expect
each other to be the source of our joy. I told Jon that I love
him, and because of that I deeply desire to make him happy, and hopefully most
of the time I will. However, I will never be the source of his joy, his joy comes
completely from God. I am just a tool that God chooses to use to help provide
that for Jon. I hope to never miss an opportunity to be a tool that God uses to
bless my husband. I hope I am keenly aware of the areas in which I can serve
and care for Jon. But Jon has to know that I am not the source. I have to know
that God does not need me to be able to meet my husband’s needs, but he does
allow me to be used by Him.
When we are asking
great things of God we do not have to ask our spouse to fill roles they cannot,
and yet we will be able to love, give, and serve at a much greater capacity
than we could have expected from ourselves. If you want to know what marriage
should look like, look to the cross.
-holly
